One of the things I meant to blog about but never did was Sean’s graduation. It’s hard to believe that he’s done, it was a really rough two years, but he is.   We never really got used to him being gone so much. He was going to school and clinicals during the day and working at night the first year, and then going to school and clinicals during the week and working the weekends at the hospital for the second year. Regardless of his schedule, we didn’t get to see much of him, and it was hard.  Sadder still, as hard as it was on me and the kids, I am sure it was harder on him. He was dead tired a lot of the time, and when he was here, we wanted his attention.  We did our best and muddled through, and finally graduation day was here.

 Sean graduated with a 4.0 grade average for the program, although his cumulative grade point average (two bachelors degrees and this degree) was only a 3.25. At the pinning ceremony, he was awarded the Director’s Award for high academic acheivement and dedicated service to the departement of radiography.  I still can’t believe he managed to do all that while working and taking care of a family, but I sure am proud of him.

Since he graduated, he has started working in the cath lab where he did his last rotation of clinical work, and he studied hard for the registry test he had to take in order to be licensed. He took that last Tuesday, and we won’t know how he did for a while on that one. He is really enjoying his work, and he is so happy….

Which makes it really bad that I am struggling with bitterness. 

Oh, I know that sounds so awful. It is awful.  I guess it’s selfishness, maybe a little bit of loneliness.  I love my husband, and I had thought for the last two years that as soon as he got through school, things would go back to normal. He’d be around again, and I wouldn’t feel like a single parent anymore.  I would once again be the center of his attention.  Unfortunately, the job he got, while a wonderful job, means that he never knows when they will be done. They work incredibly long hours, he comes home exhausted, we still don’t have any time together, and it is definitely NOT the way I had thought it would be.  Worse, I was letting my bitterness ruin any time I did get to spend with Sean, because I wanted him to fix it.

At least I know what’s going on, and I’m working on it. I’ve begun trying to head off the anger and bitterness with prayer and Bible. If you ever think you’ve got it bad, all you have to do is read Job.  One of the things often said on my Weight Watchers support board is fake it til you make it, meaning, even if you don’t feel like dieting, do it anyway.

So I’ve been faking  it. The bitterness tape starts playing in my head, and instead of giving into it and working myself into a snit about how unfair it is that things still aren’t the way I want them to be,  I start telling myself about my blessings. The blessing that Sean is in a job he loves, with people he likes.  The blessing of all those hours when we really need to start paying off bills accrued while Sean was going to school. The blessing that Sean is going to be to so many sick people. The blessing that he will be on call some weekends and some weekends entirely off.  The blessing that at least I have a husband I actually miss.  The blessing of realizing that Sean can’t fix  my heart, I have to.

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.                                                                       —James 3:17

 It takes some work, but when you start looking at things the way God wants you to, instead of the way you want to, things change.  I’ve been more at peace this week, even when Sean didn’t get home until 2 Friday  morning after going to work at 6 am Thursday. Maybe eventually, I won’t even have to fake it anymore. I can’t wait.  

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.                                                              — Ephesians 4:31-32